All my life, I have hidden most of my autistic traits from everyone around me. It was something I did, and I became an expert. I told no one how I felt, and that I was having difficulties.

Observing Others

I have learned to socialise through watching my peers, focussing on what and how they spoke, their body language and their social cues. I would copy what they did and use it in similar situations. I was constantly taking notes, like a detective, so I could understand everyone around me. I didn’t feel very authentic to myself. I used this behaviour to appear neurotypical to the world around me.

Scripting

When I script, I work ahead to what people might say to me in future conversations and practise my response. It helps me navigate social situations, so I prepare beforehand. In the end, I don’t always use what I practise as it never usually goes the way I want. I use words and phrases from movies, shows, and conversations I have had with others and use them to communicate. This has helped to keep my social interactions predictable to reduce anxiety and help me make sense of social situations.

Sensory Discomfort

I always covered up the fact that I was terrified of loud noises. I got upset when I was a child, but as I grew older, I knew it wasn’t acceptable for me to get upset, so I found ways of avoiding them or trying to cope or just tolerate them altogether and hide how I was feeling.

Eye Contact

Eye contact has felt intense and uncomfortable for me. It seemed unnatural. However, as I got older, I learned to deal with it, and I forced myself to make eye contact with people. I think when I tried, it was too much, and it was more like a stare.

Eye contact is cultural, and it looks different depending on the country you live in, so I do not worry so much about getting it right now, as I am not sure what good eye contact looks like.

The Consequences

I should be accepted for who I am, but that doesn’t always happen. Pretending to be someone you are not causes a huge amount of stress that leads to exhaustion and burnout, but it was a survival strategy. I became a totally different person from who I actually was.

Learning to deal with all the factors above has been beneficial. However, I am often exhausted trying to keep up with neurotypical people.

Since my diagnosis, I have not been so inclined to mask to the same extent, but I still do it. As a result, I can annoy people more because I say what I mean, whereas before I said nothing at all if I was in doubt what would be an appropriate answer.

Image by Pexels from Pixabay

Sources

• Masking Available at: https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/behaviour/masking#What%20is%20masking? (Accessed: 13 September 2025).