All my life, I have hidden most of my autistic traits from everyone around me. It was something I did, and I became an expert at it. I told no one how I felt, and that I was having difficulties.

Observing Others

I have learned to socialise by watching my peers, focusing on what they said and how they spoke, their body language, and their social cues. I would copy what they did and use it in similar situations. I was constantly taking notes, like a detective, so I could understand everyone around me. I didn’t feel very authentic. I used this behaviour to appear neurotypical to the world around me.

Scripting

When I script, I work ahead to what people might say to me in future conversations and practise my response. It helps me navigate social situations, so I prepare beforehand. In the end, I don’t always use what I practise, as it usually doesn’t go the way I want. I use words and phrases from movies, shows, and conversations I have had with others to communicate. This has helped to keep my social interactions predictable to reduce anxiety and help me make sense of social situations.

Sensory Discomfort

I always covered up the fact that I was terrified of loud noises. I got upset when I was a child, but as I grew older, I knew it wasn’t acceptable for me to get upset, so I found ways of avoiding them or trying to cope or just tolerate them altogether and hide how I was feeling.

Eye Contact

Eye contact has felt intense and uncomfortable for me. It seemed unnatural. However, as I got older, I learned to deal with it, and I forced myself to make eye contact with people. I think when I tried, it was too much, and it was more like a stare.

Eye contact is cultural and varies by country, so I do not worry so much about getting it right now, as I am not sure what good eye contact looks like.

The Consequences

I should be accepted for who I am, but that doesn’t always happen. Pretending to be someone you are not causes a huge amount of stress, which leads to exhaustion and burnout, but it was a survival strategy. I became a totally different person from who I actually was.

Learning to deal with all the factors above has been beneficial. However, I am often exhausted trying to keep up with neurotypical people.

Since my diagnosis, I have not been so inclined to mask to the same extent, but I still do it. As a result, I can annoy people more because I say what I mean, whereas before I said nothing at all if I was in doubt about what would be an appropriate answer.

Image by Pexels from Pixabay

Sources

• Masking Available at: https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/behaviour/masking#What%20is%20masking? (Accessed: 13 September 2025).